Edward Cullen Tries to Find A Job PARODY
by gWeasley77
Summary: In this parody Edward tries to turn his life around by ditching Bella and trying to find a job so he can achieve his lifelong dream... This is a PARODY so if you're a Twi-Hard who can't hear a word against 'Ickle Eddiekinz' then find another fanfic! R&R!
1. Chapter 1 Finding a Job

PARODY #3- Proof that I wish edward's nonexistant brain existed so he could be more appealing to those who are mature even though he's totally fictional and needs an awesome hungarian horntail tattoo like Harry [totally kidding…]

Edward had been thinking about it for weeks now, months even! He had

stayed up half the night thinking about it and he knew he would never

be happy unless it was this way.

As the sun rose he got up from bed and went to the phone, he knew

Bella slept late, or early, he could never remember her schedule

because she was so full of herself.

He heard the reciever ringing and then it went to voicemail- _Hey this is Bella!! I can't get to the phone right now so leave a message and i'll call you back!!_

_What a jerk she is_, Edward thought. _What made me see the light? _He remembered with a jolt the amazing night he'd spent with a special person not so long ago. _Oh yeah, _he thought. _Now I remember._

After the tone Edward spoke, his voice sounded funny after all those hours of silence. "Um… Hey Bella, It's Edward here and I'm really sorry to tell you this, but… I think we should stop seeing each other. I hope you don't hate me, and we can still be friends! I hope you're doing well, so… have a good day!" He hung up.

He knew what he said was hollow and unmeaningful but he didn't care, as long as he could be with that who he loved, and persue his lifelong dream that Bella was holding him back from.

Edward made his way into the kitchen and made some coffee. After his first sip the phone rang. He knew whoo it was before he picked it up.

"Hello, Edward here."

"Edward! What do you mean 'we shouldn't see each other'!? I love you and I thought you loved me!! How can you be such a stupid—"

"Sorry Bella, I just don't think we're right for each other. I thought I felt something but I was wrong. Sorry punk. Don't call me again. I'm moving soon so leave me alone! I'm sick of you and your immaturity and always—"

"WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A JERK EDWARD CULLEN!?!?!?!?!?" Bella screamed.

Edward was fed up, he pressed the "End Call" button with such ferocity that the button got stuck. After fixing it with a tube of toothpaste, a slice of fruitcake, and dental floss he took the batteries out of every phone in the house.

Edward finished his coffee and sat on the couch, watching episode of 'The Bachelorette' that he missed last Tuesday and recorded on his DVR as he played Lady GaGa version of Tap Tap Revenge on his iPhone.

After he finished his theme song (Beautiful, Dirty, Rich) he got sick of LadyGaGa and stopped playing on his iPhone and turned his Wii on to play Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince while he waited for a certain other phone call.

The phone rang…

"Hello, Edward here."

"Hello Mr. Cullen this is Mr. FloopenflabenMcdoodlebirdyflappywaffleMacbay."

"Oh, well hello sir."

"Mr. Cullen, I'm sorry to say you were not accepted. Your resume was not found satisfactory. 'Drinking blood', 'lifting heavy objects', and ''hating people' were not nice things to put on your resume so you have not been accepted. If you really want to get a job then change your reume!!!"

"Yes sir. I'm sorry youu feel that way, thank you."

Edward was crushed. He crossed over to the wall next to a mirror and saw his list on the corkboard. He grabbed his pink, fluffy, bunny pen and crossed off one of the jobs on the list:

Banker

He sighed. He had wanted to become a banker for a long while, but there were still some jobs he had applied for that had yet to call.

He eventually got bored making potions for Slughorn so he got a book. As soon as he had flipped to THE PAGE the phone rang, _Thank God! _He thought.

"Hello, Edward here."

"Hey Mr. Cullen, Miss. Leon here."

"Hello ma'am, how are you?"

"Wonderful, thanks! But sadly, that is the opposite of the news I have. I talked to my boss and I'm sorry there are no positions available here."

"That's fine! Just fine! Thanks anyways, Miss. Leon. Bye."

Edward got up, crossed to the cork board, got his special pen and crossed another job off…

Waffle-Maker

He went back over to the couch and decided to watch a show about cheerleaders. He just loved shows about girls wearing short-skirts and half a shirt. _ Too bad Bella never wore that stuff… _He thought to himself as he drooled over the girls parading across the TV screen.

Right when a girl had done a painful-looking split Edward's iPhone rang, interrupting his paused game of Tetris. He paused the TV and answeered his phone…

"Hello, Edward here."

"Hey Mr. Cullen, Joe Schmoe here and I need to make it fast but I'm sorry, theres no free positions or needs for that type of work here but if you try again next summer, I'm sure there'll be an open position, Millie's moving to Transylvania!"

"Okay sir, thanks."

Edward was crushed, three jobs in a row!? How depressing. He crossed off another job…

Work at funtown/splashtown usa selling ping-pong balls

One more job left, he hoped he would get it.

Edward got sick of watching hot girls once they put sweaters and jeans on so he changed it to Nickelodeon.

"OMG! iCarly's on!!!" He was psyched, iCarly was is fave show of all times (apart from teletubbies, boobah, MMA, and nascar). Right when Spencer was screaming because he was stuck to something the phone rang again.

"Hello, Edward here."

"'ello Monsieur Cullen, it is Madame Victoire 'ere. I am 'appy to announce you 'ave gotten the job!"

"YAY!!!!!!!" Edward screamed.

"'oo start tomarrow! 'oo will need to be trained but it vill be fun anyvays! Au revoir!"

"Bye!" Edward hung up the phone and ran to his cork board and nderlined his new job…

VICTORIA'S SECRET

"Yay! I start tomorrow!!"


	2. Chapter 2 1st Days and Lunch

**Here's the next installment of my fanfic! I got a lot of nice reviews and a ton of hits in just the first few hours! I hope everyone enjoys the next chapter!! Pretty please Read and Review!!!**

The next morning Edward went through his typical daily rituals (eating some cereal, watching his favorite TV shows (Elmo and the Twilight Zone) and brushing his pet squirrel Thelma) and then got dressed for his first day at work.

He was so excited to get his new uniform on that he didn't realize his Barbie underwear were outside his pants and his vest was on backwards and he grabbed his Pop Tart instead of his iPhone.

After tucking his Pop Tart-iPhone into his pocket, he attempted to brush his ratty hair then did it up with 'Sparkly Princess Salon's Man Hair Gel' and sprinted out of his room, grabbing his box of raisins and his Power Puff Girls' lunchbox.

"HURRAYZLES!!" Screamed Edward at his neighbor as he ran out of the front door toward his dump truck that belonged to his cousin Francis the pirate. "I AM OFF TO MY FIRST DAY AT WORK!!" Edward ran over to the chain-link fence that was dividing the property and screamed excited nonsense at his neighbor, Mr. Fizzletoe, who then looked extremely alarmed and reached into his pocket and sprayed pepper-spray into his eyes as he ran back to his house.

"MY GORGEOUSLY SPARKLY EYES!" Edward screamed as he clutched at his face. "I JUST DID MY MAKEUP YOU NUMBNUT!!!!!"

Running at his house, Edward attempted to go through the door and into his room to check his makeup and clean out his beautiful (*cue gagging*) eyes but on his way there he bumped into every doorframe, piece of furniture, and wall that was physically possible.

After cleaning out his eyes, redoing his makeup, adding more body glitter, and making sure he was looking as nice as vampire-ly possible (don't make me laugh…) he made his way to his dump truck (avoiding Mr. Fizzletoe) and backed out of his driveway.

His eyes still hurt while he was driving, so he hit twenty-four trashcans, four cars, and managed to avoid a few old ladies. In about five minutes he was driving away from the Dunkin' Donuts drive-thru and was munching on a jelly-filled donut.

"Why must these blasted things always lose their jelly before I manage to eat them?!" asked Edward as he cursed his overlong fangs. By the time he had stopped having 'Vampire Angst' (not as amazing as Wizard Angst) he realized he was at the mall. He walked inside and looked around.

"For the love of body glitter!" exclaimed Edward as he watched all the people walking around. "This place is AMAZING!" He tried to walk along the ceramic tiled floor (not stepping on any cracks because he loved his mommy very much and didn't know what he's do without her) but found he wasn't able to get through because there were so many people there.

"Excuse me, lady," said Edward to an old lady who was just standing there.

"LEAVE ME ALONE YOU PERVERTED PUNK!!" she screamed swinging her handbag wildly in the air.

"WELL then…" Edward mumbled to himself as he walked by her. "I was just going to tell her 'X.Y.Z.P.D.Q.'"

After wandering around the small mall for about three hours trying to find Victoria's Secret but not managing to get help from the other people around the mall (he was getting sick of the constant screaming of 'Go away sick-o!' and 'Go take a hike you freak-a-zoid') he managed to find his new job on his own.

"Hiya!" he said to a girl who was at the front desk and nametag read 'Emmy: MANAGER'. "Mana-jeer-ay, good job!"

"It's _manager, _retard!" Emmy said. "Not mana-jeer-ay…"

"ANYWAYS, I'm here to start my first day at work!" Edward said proudly.

Emmy looked a bit nauseated as she said, "Ohh, you're the guywho got a job here. You'll be working the register today. You can read numbers, _right?_"

"Of course I can!" said Edward. "This number is durk and this one is falafel—"

"That's _one_ and _seven_, smarty!" Emmy exclaimed, sounding extremely exasperated. "Maybe you should go work at K-Mart or something..."

"Nooo!" Edward cried as he thought about the people at K-Mart who would reject him even more than Emmy did. "It's my lifelong dream to work here! Ever since I was a young vampire chiddler and all I could drink was rabbit bolo—"

"Wow, dude, you have more brain damage than I thought," Said a humored-looking Emmy as she shook her head in disbelief at his words. "Just ask customers if you can help them with anything and if they say 'yes 'then help them find what they're looking for, okay? It shouldn't take more than an I.Q. of 27 so you're qualified!"

"Okiddley-day!" said Edward, keeping up his usual knack of not realizing insults.

He walked over to the door and stood there waiting for a customer. A young lady with long hair walked in.

"Can I help you with anything ma'am?" asked Edward in his politest voice as soon as she set foot inside.

"I just got here, stupid!" she retorted. "Wait until I've looked around a bit!"

After that happed a few more times, Edward decided to ask shopping customers if they needed help.

"Hello ma'am!" said Edward to a girl with bushy hair who was looking at perfume. The girl screamed and jumped backward into a bored-looking guy who was standing behind her.

"Oops, sorry, Ron…" said the bushy-haired girl to the guy she had bumped into

"Hi!!" said Edward overenthusiastically to the girl. "I'm Edward and this is my first day at work! Is there anything I can help you with?"

"Er…. No, thanks…" said the girl hesitantly.

"Oh, okiddley-day then!" said Edward as he walked away. Edward thought he could just hear the guy say:

"Let's go, Hermione!" _What kind of name is 'Hermione'? _asked Edward to himself, _It sounds like some sort of disease—_

"Excuse me, sir!" said an unpleasant-looking girl who looked as if she had a pug-like face.

"Yes, madam!" Edward said excitedly.

"Where's the lingerie?" she asked, looking embarrassed.

"I'm sorry, this is Victoria's Secret, not Victoria's Laundromat, so we do not have any laundry here, so try somewhere else!" Edward retorted to the girl. _What an idiot! _He thought as he stalked off. _This is absolutely, NOT a Laundromat!_

A few hours later, Emmy came back over and relieved him of work. Edward had protested but then accepted Emmy's decision and left. He was hungry so then he decided to go get a bite to eat at the Food Court.

He wandered for a little while longer but eventually found it. There were about 10 places to choose from and Edward's mouth was watering.

He went to the Chinese food place first, but then found there was garlic in most of the recipes. He had had a shouting match with the Chinese chef about if he had anything without garlic because he had an allergy, but then upon realizing the chef couldn't understand him, Edward settled for some mini-burgers from Burger King.

He found a nice table by the window and then sat down and ate his lunch. Looking around, he realized the bushy-haired girl called Hermione and the dude Ron were at a table a little ways away from him so he decided to spy on them.

A few minutes later, he noticed them look up when a red-headed girl and another guy joined them, They started in a conversation, and Edward decided to just eat is sandwich because his beloved mommy, Mommy Cullen, had taught him eavesdropping was rude, but then Edward decided to defy his mother because what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her.

"Yeah, I know! It was so weird!" the red-headed girl was saying to Ron and Hermione.

"We got that, Ginny," said the boy, Edward took to be the girl's sister. "You don't have to keep saying that over and over. We all saw him there, no matter how odd it was…"

"I never thought we'd run into him here of all places, though," the girl called Ginny was saying. "I wonder if he still hates me…"

"Dunno," said Hermione. "Maybe you should go talk to him…"

"He'd probably _Avada Kedavra_ me right then and there if he saw I was _still _with Harry, though…" said Ginny with slight humor to her voice as she motioned to the other boy sitting next to her.

Edward laughed into his burger, what were they talking about? He listened as he started squeezing ketchup onto his tray for his garlic-less fries.

"Harry can stay with us," reasoned Hermione. "You should _so _go talk to him! He does look so different though… I'm not sure it's even in a good way, either. What do you think, Harry? Ron?"

The two boys, Harry and Ron, were busy with their own conversation, apparently bored with the one the girls were having.

"Oh… what did you say?" questioned Ron. "Are you two still harping on about him?"

"Yeah, we are," said Ginny. "Got a problem with that?" she waved a chopstick menacingly in Ron's face so as to threaten him.

"Er… no…?" said Ron. "I think you should go talk to him if you want. See if he even remembers you. I think Harry should go, though. That way if he starts dropping hints he wants to go out again, you have backup…"

"What do you think, Harry?" asked Ginny again, turning to face him. "I'm gonna do it, want to come?"

_What's she going to do? _Wondered Edward. _It sounds like she saw someone she hasn't seen in a while…_

"Fine," agreed Harry. "But just for backup in case there are any creeps around here…"

"Ron and Hermione can come, too," compromised Ginny. "That way my backup can have backup…"\

"Fine with us," Hermione agreed. "I wonder what he'll say when he finds out we remember him!"

"I know," said Ginny. "I don't even know what I ever saw in Dean…"

Edward smirked to himself, _I have nothing else to do today, so this might be exciting... _

**I hope everyone enjoyed the second chapter! I'd love it if you had any ideas and sent them to me!! Also, I couldn't help but add some HP-ness in there… I'll try to get the next chapter up soon!! R&R!**


	3. Chapter 3 Dark Nights

**Hi peeps and fanfic fans!! I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while! My teachers apparently thought it would be hilarious if they gave me a TON of homework over the longest weekend yet, so that sucked up all my time. ******** I got a little ways on the fanfic but now I've finally been able to finish and update!! I will probably have more time soon so hopefully another chapter will be up soon. I promise to update at least weekly and if I don't update and I gave you no warning, then feel free to send some Death Eaters to my house! Hope you all enjoy!**

_Disclaimer: apparently I forgot these in the previous chapters, but yes, with huge relief I can admit I do ABSOLUTELY NOT own Twilight (if I did it would not exist) and I have to sadly say I do not own Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ron and Ginny (or Dean Thomas or anyone else either). However, I did make up the store manage, the store Dean works in, and I'm pretty sure I own Cats R Us, so therefore I do own something!! YAY!! _

_PS. I would love to receive Harry and friends instead of candy this Halloween!_

Chapter 3

A little while later, Edward noticed that the people (Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny) had finished eating and got up. The girls' had a look of humored anticipation on their face and the guys just looked bored.

Edward picked up his tray, quickly dumped it, and started to follow the foursome down the halls and towards a particular store.

The group chatted the whole way there, and once they got there, Edward hurried to catch up so as to not lose sight of the group to see what they were doing.

Eventually, they turned into a store called 'Dark Nights' and Edward looked inside. It was completely gothic. Everything was draped with dark silk or painted black. It was very disturbing but Edward found it beautiful and amazing.

He watched the people shop around a bit, so he figured he should do the same. He looked around at the various shelves and saw a number of things he never thought a store could ever carry. It was everything he'd ever wanted.

There were rows of black lipstick, mascara, other girly makeup, body glitter, and anything else you could think of! Edward grabbed everything he saw and shoved it into the basket he stole from an old lady who thought the store was Cats R Us.

Before Edward could say 'Pudding' (which might even be a little too complicated) his basket was full of junk that no one wanted but he did.

Then he proceeded to the checkout line where he could pay for all his stuff. In front of him (to his surprise) were the people he'd been following (*cough* stalking *cough*) were talking to the checkout dude whose nametag read "DEAN".

Edward was heartbroken. He thought 'Dean' was a nickname for 'L.L. Bean' and that they were going to rob from it. _Stupid good people_ Edward thought to himself.

About five minutes later, Edward moved up in line due to the fact Ginny had slapped Dean across the face, screamed "WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM YOU HORRIBLE PERV?!" and stormed out angrily with Harry and then waiting outside for Hermione who was dragging Ron, due to the fact he wanted some dark chocolate bars that were actually soap, but refused to believe it.

"Hi," said Dean in a bored, monotonous voice. "Did you find everything you were looking for?"

"Oh, did I ever!" exclaimed Edward. Suddenly he started telling Dean about the whole time he was throwing stuff into his basket.

"That'll be $246.89, please," said Dean after bagging the last item.

"Ha-ha," Edward fake-laughed at Dean. "That's not a real number!"

"Er… yeah it is, sir," Dean said. "How high can you count?"

"Well, then. I've never been more insulted in my life! Er….. One! Uh…. What's next?! Is it…. YELLOW! No, no… PANTYHOSE… no, not that either… MAYONAISE! Not that! Ugh… Well, that's besides the point!"

"What point?!" asked Dean. "There is no point!"

"Fine then!" screamed Edward. "I will just take my money elsewhere!"

_I'll get beck at him,_ thought Edward as he left the store. _I'll go rob L.L. Bean!!_

~*~

**I hope you all enjoyed! I also have another fanfic that's out if you want to read it! I thought this chapter was lame, but what did you think? Send me a review, please! Let me know what I can work on, what you liked and what you think I can add! I'll update soon!**


	4. Chapter 4 LL Bean

**Hello fanfic peoples and other people who enjoy reading about how I make fun of Twi-Crap/Edward!! Don't you love how I decided to break my promise right after I make it? Well, I have a valid excuse!!! It's been the end of the quarter in school so every week I had at least one test and two quizzes to study for plus homework and I was sick recently, so I didn't have timeeee!!! Please 4give me and don't hate me!!! Enjoy the chapter! **

_Disclaimer: I do not own TWILIGHT (Thank the good god)!!! Nor do I own WeightWatchers, L.L. Bean. However, I do believe I own Lucy the WeightWatcher manager and I own Edward's dump truck, so it's not a total loss…_

Edward had been planning this for a whole 15 minutes (which seemed like a long time to him) and it was finally ready: the break-in plan for L.L. Bean! His plan was simple and consisted of one easy step (that was actually very long because, as we all know, Edward can't count past one).

The one step was to: walk in the doors screaming so he could draw as much attention to himself as possible, grab some random items, scream again, throw some Victoria's Secret merchandise (that he stole) at the customers, take everything he took from the store, run outside, then egg the front of the store, wait for the manager to come out, and throw a coconut cream pie (made by Eddiekinzles's mummy) at the manager, then run away.

As soon as he included the pie and running away, Eddiekinzles ran to his personalized dump truck and started to drive He had tried to MapQuest the nearest L.L. Bean but he had… let's say… 'troubles'… with computers, so he decided to try to use the pictures on the road signs (because he couldn't read) and the signature giant L.L. Bean boot so he could figure out where the stupid store was.

~*~

After running over about a dozen squirrels, chipmunks, Canada geese, and guys wearing various costumes to advertise a restaurant, he saw the first sign which had an interesting symbol, so he followed the arrow, thinking the interesting symbol was a bean.

Finally, Edward pulled into the parking lot and jumped out of the dump truck window. He ran into the building (brandishing a banana like a gun) and screamed to all the people in the lobby.

"EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP!!!!!!" screamed Edward. "I AM ROBBING THIS L.L. BEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Sir," said one lady wearing a nametag that read 'Lucy'. "This isn't L.L. Bean's… this is WeightWatchers!"

Edward looked around and found that all he saw was food with lots of numbers on their boxes and cans and tons of people walking around talking about al their meals they ate, and no hunting gear or backpacks or anything else so he deduced that he was in the wrong store.

Welcome to WeightWatchers, sir." Lucy continued. "My, you do seem to be exceptionally fat… er… sir… is that a stomach or did you stuff some jello down your shirt?!?! I am not kidding… See, ladies, this is what you DON'T want to become…"

"Oopsie-doodles!" said Edward as he saw all the ladies looking at his stomach (which made him feel self-conscience). "Thank-diddle you for your time (batteries not included)."

On that awkward note, he ran back to his dump truck and noticed that he had accidentally run into the wrong store. He saw that the giant hiking boot was at the store _across_ the road so he jumped into his blue dump truck and drove over to the store.

He exited the truck and ran to the front door. After checking that he was at the right store with the giant boot, he ran through the doors and into the store. Pointing his banana once again he resumed the yelling he had started in WeightWatchers.

"HANDS UP EVERYONE!!!! I AM PLANNING TO ROB THIS L.L. BEAN!!!!!!!!!"

*** Yay! I'm so glad that I got another chapter done!! I've actually had this chapter done for a while but neglected to publish it… Also, I tend to have a sort of comedy writer's block when writing this story so if you have an idea (even a rough one or what you think I a stupid one) any ideas at all, please tell me!!! I would appreciate it so much!!! ***

**PERSONAL FANFIC PROMOTION: If you like this Twi-crap fic then try 'Edward Cullen's Day Out'. If you also enjoy Harry Potter then you can try 'Ginny Weasley and the Deathly Hallows'. **

**(Thank you for your time. Please note that we are not responsible for any side effects such as itching, various animal body parts, twitching, and overlarge tongues! Yet… I don't know why there would be any side effects seeing as you'd just be reading a fanfic…). **


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